Friday, October 11, 2002

I'm not sure which is worse- being so fashionably inept as to require government assistance, or having a roommate who can effortlessly select the coolest outfit. He wears a t-shirt, looks famous. I wear a t-shirt, look homeless.

It's like being Adam and Eve in the garden. Until I met my smooth devilishly cool roommate, I was blissfully unaware that my ping-pongs and boobies shouldn't be bouncing about. Then I bit into the Big Apple, discovered that my 'unmentionables' included most of my wardrobe, and began to clothe myself with thrift store leaves and manpurses.

Don't get me wrong, I love having Sparky as a roommate. It's just that now that I know about matching my belt with not only shoes but also coats, I'm doomed. I have the knowledge of good and evil clothes coordination, but lack the ability to discern the difference. Now I leave the house badly dressed, with the full knowledge that I'm badly dressed. I think I understand the allure of naturists.

Thursday, October 10, 2002

The deadline is approaching soon, and I really must figure out what I'll do for Halloween. I don't have time to make a giant penis again, and the globe has been done. Any ideas from anyone? I'm really looking for inspiration, and I'm very handy building things.
Due to a phone conversation earlier this week, I flashed back to last year, when I drove my wonderful convertible all the way to NYC for my interview with NYC Teaching Fellows. I think it was one of my favorite car trips. The weather was just perfect, and I spent a huge chunk of the trip with the stereo cranked and the top down. It was my first real autumn in a very long time, as the last few years of my life have been spent in treeless areas.

I'm looking back at those interviews with a bit of bemusement and sheepishness. You would figure that after Peace Corps, the altruism would have been burned out of me. When I discovered today that my darling seventh graders had stolen yet another pencil sharpener from me, my thoughts were not exactly the most positive. When the staplers, sharpeners, and mechanical pencils keep getting stolen, it is more than 'nickel and diming.' It is more like 'threeing and fiving'. I don't want to become one of those bitter teachers, but I can definitely see where they are coming from.

Tuesday, October 08, 2002

In case you're wondering what I look like, I just discovered that my Apple homepage is still up. Whooda thunkit? Since I'm not paying the new charges, I thought it would be dead already.
Finally finished that damn list of 100. Who was the sadist who started this? I'm at home, coughing, hacking, and wheezing from some virus my lovely kids transmitted to me. I'm going to go back to bed now.
76. I’m not a Christian any more, although I think the precepts of Jesus kick ass. Be nice to yourself, be nice to others, take care of things around you. My atheist friend Allen will cringe, but I still believe there is something bigger than me. If there is a hell, Jerry Falwell belongs there, as does Celine Dion.
77. If I were falling from a great height to a certain death, I would pretend like I was swimming, just to amuse the people below.
78. If I had a superpower, I would want to be able to create things with my mind, like making my imagination a reality. I could conjure Krispy Kreme donuts.
79. Goofy moment one: knocking myself out while siphoning gas at the cabin, waking up with a massive headache. I think it was the only high I ever had. I still envision the look on my face as my eyes rolled into the back of my head.
80. Goofy moment two: junior year prom, decorating on a ladder, held steady by two girl friends. Corbin Allen, mindless football player, chooses this moment to pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles, ripping them in half in the process.
81. I can’t stand George W. Bush. He makes me ashamed to be from Texas.
82. I’m proud to be from Texas. Nowhere else in the world has a separatist movement based out of a mobile home.
83. If I had the body, I would be a stripper. If I had any rhythm whatsoever, I would be a good stripper.
84. I have terrible gaydar, but I can automatically tell a man is gay if he orders a raspberry mocha. It’s one of those things.
85. I have probably watched the Matrix a zillion times.
86. I’m really having difficulty thinking of one hundred things.
87. I like explosions. I inherited that from my dad.
88. I like order. I inherited that from my mom.
89. If I had hair now, I’d want a ‘fro.
90. My roommate has a really cool nickname. I wish I had a cool nickname.
91. His list of 100 described me as his sidekick. When I complained, he said the hero always gives the sidekick fashion advice.
92. I can’t remember the color of a guy’s eyes, but I can tell you everything about his car.
93. I love pranks, but seldom get the opportunity. Most people outside of my direct family members don’t get the humor behind faking my own death.
94. I have an allergy to shellfish, but I really miss eating shrimp. I want to eat some, then stab myself with my reaction Epipen before its expiration date. It just seems a waste to throw it away, just because it will expire soon.
95. This kind of reasoning is the logic behind all of my food poisoning escapades.
96. It just dawned on me that the reason I don’t gamble with lottery tickets is because I play the ‘spoiled food lottery’, which is much more exciting.
97. In an emergency situation, I know how to fly and land planes.
98. I gnaw on my knuckles. I find it much more soothing than biting nails.
99. The devil is not in the details, the devil is in my pants.
100. Last one, FINALLY. I always could use more coffee.