Tuesday, February 11, 2003

I can't remember who suggested this to me, not the new roommate Andrew, maybe it was Dan. Regardless, someone suggested a brilliant idea. For all of those kids in my classes who are failing horribly, we automate the process and practice eugenics. For the kids who get the low level 1's and 2's, we hand them their test scores.... and condoms. Equal opportunity requires that I also neuter the annoying yuppie kids that are smart but smarmy. I'm also fine with that idea.

Along the lines of new ideas, the kicky new roommate did one of those earth shattering paradigm shifts in life for me. I step into the shower this morning and almost shut down. I have lived here nearly a year experiencing the same vague annoyance the entire time. I'm not the most graceful gazelle to prance around in our dinky shower stall, so I constantly knock things off the little shelves on the shower wall. There was an awkwardly placed mirror to the left that was useless unless you scrunched to the left, and then the annoying shelf. Andrew moved in and switched them around immediately. Heaven! If I need the mirror for shaving the head, it is directly in front of me. The shelf is out of harm's way, and I'm a happy naked wet camper.

Monday, February 10, 2003

If anyone else feels as strongly as I do about not bombing Iraq, join me and thousands of others at this United for Peace Rally in NYC February 15th.
Oh yeah, baby, check out THESE triglycerides! After the horrifying news in September that various dangerous fat bits globbing their ways through my arteries were DOUBLE the safe level for someone my age, I have lowered them to ten points below average. I am so ecstatic that I'm going to go to Krispy Kreme tomorrow...

Sunday, February 09, 2003

God bless Uffish Chris, she has a heart of gold and a knack for cool links. I think more sites like this should be developed.
I had the perfect opportunity to converse with my head dean and assistant principal of my school on Friday. I asked them to give me their absolutely honest opinion of my performance. I share a wall with the dean's office, and on numerous occasions one of them comes over to yell because my kids are so out of control. They had both just had a meeting with the parent of one of my new demons who has just been transferred to my class. I told them to tell me the truth, that I was one of the worst teachers in the school. They both laughed and told me I wasn't even in the top ten. We then had an informal review, both of them giving me some really good advice to improve class management. We were laughing about some events that have happened in my class,

I left feeling slightly better, then I got to the stairwell. Hey! I'm a math teacher, and that wasn't such a great ranking! Even if I'm not in the Kasey Kasem Top Ten Terrible Teachers, that means I'm probably in the next group, which means I'm in the bottom fifty percentile of teachers at my school. Damn, damn, damn. My entire life, I've always been in the top quartile of anything I've set my mind to accomplish, and more usually the top one percent. It's not ego, it's hard work and a wee bit of obsessive/compulsive behavior.

The more I live my life, the more I find the challenges expanding. This last summer I confronted the very real possibility of failing at the Math Immersion program, and I aced the qualification exams after working 25 hours a day. Now I'm a first year teacher having his ass spanked every day, grateful to be in the bottom fifty percent of teachers. Woohoo, there are at least ten teachers who are apparently in an advanced vegetative state that allow the children to eat poop or something. My kids just get into fights nearly every day, leave the room without my permission, and steal anything that isn't bolted down. I know I'm not a failure, but I sure as hell am not a success either. There are no plans for a "Mr. Bunger's Opus" in the theaters any time soon.