Monday, April 28, 2003

Oh yeah. I should apologize for cockblocking Michael at Trannyshack. I was very, very drunk, and Joey from the coffeeshop was so terribly cute. I was drunkenly heading to the bar for yet another Anchor Steam, and I spotted Joey. How was I supposed to know that was my good friend Michael was right next to him, wearing a wig?!?!
First day back in school, by the way. ADD levels were through the roof. Lessons were absolute failures. I think one of my 8th grade girls summed it up best when she barfed up something with corn into my trashcan at the end of the day. Then she just walked out. What is this, the new bulimia?
Driving through Big Sur was like living in a Motor Trends magazine. I just needed a ranking sheet and about five more convertibles to write a credible review. We hiked all over the place, saw all sorts of super expensive houses, and straightened all of the curves. We had lunch at this trippy hippy enclave in the middle of the Big Sur wilderness, and I had a REAL peep. You know those Easter candies that look like little chicks, brightly dyed yellow, pink, or blue? If you do, you know they taste like crap. I annually forget how awful they taste and end up lured into the purchase of a dozen with their sugary siren calls. This hippy trippy place made real ones from marshmallows and gave me a fantastic mocha on the side. Joe and Omer left for southern California, and we headed for Fatsville. Oops, I mean the boardwalk of Santa Cruz. Michael and Dana decided that no campy trip would be complete without exploring the tacky and chunky side of California.

Santa Cruz is a typical beachtown with a boardwalk. This suburban dot on the map has rollercoasters, a sketchy beach, and the fattest Americans I've ever seen congregated in one place. They were so large that the boardwalk had been replaced with concrete, even though the concrete still groaned under the cumulative weight. You have a pod of whales, a murder of crows, a flock of geese, and now a lard of fat people. Many of my kids in my school are overweight and have horrible eating habits, but this place was their obese vacation hotspot. I saw children with cotton candy in both pudgy hands, warning signs on rollercoasters that excluded wildly obese people, and manbreasts the size of infected cow udders. In order to immerse ourselves in this paradise, we purchased a deep fat fried twinkie. Yes, a fat fried twinkie. Each of us ate a third, which resulted in a queasy sensation all the way back to San Francisco. I'm infamous for my ability to handle fat and sugar, but this really stretched my limits. The worst thing is that we all felt ill after only a third, while I saw families where each child was wolfing down two of the little fat bombs. With this sharp reminder to watch our diets, we headed back home.

After one of my best weekends ever, I continued on my lovely vacation while all of my employed friends had to go to work with hangovers. This is exactly how my friends with 9-5 jobs feel when they want me to go to something during the week. My uberhosts Bruce and Dana both have semi-flexible schedules, so they were able to continue entertaining me. Everyone suffered except for me, and I'm grateful for it. Dana's ninety pound puppy was definitely neglected because she vented her anger by chewing on Bruce's iPod. Bruce tried to ignore me also, so I chewed on his Subaru.

The remainder of my week was filled with hanging out with Jessie, Chris, Casey, Michael, Bruce and Dana and attempts to meet up with JP from Peace Corps. I continued my search for a Crunky bar, although I am unsuccessful on both coasts. I went to a wonderful Japanese day spa for massage and full treatment with Dana. This was extremely relaxing for me, extremely stressful for Dana, as he had just had his eyes dilated at the optometry clinic. He couldn't see a thing, and wandered helplessly around. Of course I had blithely wandered off, singing my idiot song. I finally found him slumped in a chair. I tried to feel guilty but I was simply too relaxed. Even shrugging was difficult.

I also triggered one of the last horses of the apocalypse by going to Trannyshack with the boys, who all happened to be dressed as girls. Even I wore a wig and scarf-thingy. Pictures will be up soon, I just need to modernize my blog, set up my own domain name, that kind of thing.